RANSVESTIA

of women towards me as another woman. It certainly gives a great deal of perspective to the whole interplay of the man-woman relationship. I have indeed learned very much of what it means to be a woman in our society and I have learned various ways in which women are put down or discounted or devalued by men. I understand now, much of the resentment that some women feel. They are unable to be themselves, to have a career, to be valued for their own intrinsic self rather than as a potential or actual sex object.

As a scientifically trained person, I have a good mind, have a con- siderable fund of information and can talk intelligently on many different subjects. That I find myself in any social relationship with a man, constrained to dampen my own ability, my contributions of thought or even of humor in reference to him simply because I am a woman, is galling. If I let myself go in these areas I drive him away and I am annoyed with him and if I hold myself back I am annoyed with myself. It is a no-win situation. I have learned what all women have learned, that it simply doesn't pay for the woman to be too smart, too in- telligent, too clever, too humorous, too gifted and so forth, because, un- less she meets a very unusual man who is all these things and more, and most particularly, one who is very secure in his own masculinity, she will lose out if she lets herself be herself. She must always try to be the person the man in the situation will be comfortable with she must, in short, be his idea of her, and not her own conception of herself.

For example, I met an interesting chap at the dance one night. We got on beautifully on the dance floor. He invited me for a drink at the intermission, and we went and had a snack after the dance. In short it looked like the beginnings of a nice friendship. He had mentioned that he liked to play chess so when he called me up one time, I invited him to come over and play. Well I made the mistake of beating him two out of two. Result-I have never seen or heard from him since. If I had been smart I would have put up a good challenging fight but would have made a couple of crucial mistakes — like losing my queen (which would have been very symbolic-like losing my virginity) — and he could have won what would have seemed a fair victory. He would have been superior to me, a mere woman, his ego would have been intact, and we could have continued our friendship. Live and learn. Next time I'll try checkers where it is easier to lose intentionally.

I must add that in past and present relationships with unknowing men - whether at dances, conferences, socially, or in any other situa- tion I was not and am not interested in the man as a potential sex

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